Helping Moms work Smarter, not Harder
We are some of the lucky ones, I guess. We chose to do school at home. I know there are many families who don't have a choice - they're forced into school at home or face-to-face, with few options in between.
Back to school time is so exciting! After a summer of lazy, routine-less days, extra dishes and extra messes from the little bodies at home all day, it’s time for a fresh start!
You’ve all heard the back-to school tips…Start bedtime 10 minutes earlier every night for 2 weeks to ease your kids into the new schedule! Try cute little bento boxes to pack their lunch – pack them all up on Sunday night so they’re ready for the week! Create an adorable little homework station because that will magically make your kids WANT to do more schoolwork when they get home!
I was going to write a post like that. But here’s the deal: no matter what you do to prepare, back-to-school will probably offer you a few minor challenges…
First of all, you can try to ease into the new sleep schedule for weeks, but your precious children will still be exhausted and grumpy for at least 2 weeks. Expect plenty of random sleep-deprivation fueled tantrums until the zombie-monsters get so tired that they forget that the sun stays up two hours past bedtime and finally crash and burn.
Second, you know that handy bus schedule you get? It’s wrong. The bus will not be there at 7:13. One day it will arrive at 7:09 and then next it will come at 7:17. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And that gigantic list of school supplies? With “Ticonderoga” pencils? (Because of course, no other #2 pencils will do. MUST BE TICONDEROGA.) Good luck getting everything on the list in one trip. And good luck keeping track of your preschooler while you try. (Someone should invent a school supply delivery service: type in your school & grade level and they magically send you a box with everything you need. And wine. Wine would also be included. Seems much more relaxing this way.)
Finally, let’s talk about back-to-school clothes. No matter what you buy, your children will either a) grow out of them before they get a chance to wear them more than twice or b) suddenly refuse to wear what they picked out three weeks prior. And either way, you’re screwed.
With that, I wish you all a happy September! Let’s all hope we’ll get a few weeks of sanity in October, before the candy and parties that accompany monthly holidays start up. Heaven help us.
When we started considering raising turkeys, we were told it was a lifetime commitment. We couldn’t just try it out for a while and quit if we wanted. We were in it for the long haul.
And for the most part, our decision has paid off. We’ve had it good – truly been “living the dream.” Although Bart works long hours and has a lot of responsibility, we’re comfortable financially, and I’m able to prioritize flexibility and family over finances in my career. Our boys get to work side by side with their dad and learn the values that are important to us – hard work, dedication, and faith.
Faith. Farmers have to have faith. Our livelihoods are full of risk, but most of the time, we are able to keep the faith that everything will work out. Every spring, farmers take out loans and make an investment – one that’s riskier than almost any on Wall Street. They risk their family’s financial future on tiny little seeds in the ground, praying that the weather and pests cooperate so they will have a crop to harvest (and a return on their investment) in the fall.
As bird flu rages in Northern Iowa, we are trying to keep the faith. Like the grain farmers around us, we continue to make an investment in the future – every two months, we get a new flock of turkeys and try to have faith that nearly 6 months later, they’ll be healthy and ready to go to market.
The news seems to focus on the financial implications of the outbreak. And those are important. The poultry industry in Iowa is huge – we’re #1 in the nation for layer hens (eggs) and #9 for turkeys. Poultry eat corn and soybeans, which means that devastation of the industry could have drastic effects on grain farmers, too.
But what’s really at risk? Farms like mine – family farms who have been raising poultry for generations. If this epidemic continues, poultry farmers may not make it.
So is it worth the risk to keep raising turkeys? Should we put another new flock in our barns in a few weeks, or is it smarter to wait it out and see if the epidemic subsides?
The answer to that question is that we don’t have a choice anymore. We chose, in 2009, to raise turkeys for the rest of our lives. Instead of taking out a loan in the spring and hoping it pays off in the fall, we took out a loan for 5 new barns and hope to pay it off in 2019. We are committed to this, financially and emotionally.
If bird flu hit our farm, it would mean 12-18 months without income from the turkeys. We live off our turkey income, but we also use it to pay the debts we owe on our barns. Quite frankly, we can’t make loan payments if we don’t have healthy turkeys going to market.
Bart and I have been playing out the scenarios in our mind since we heard about the first outbreak in Minnesota, more than 2 months ago. What would we do? What equipment could we “liquidate” to help us make payments? What would we do if we go bankrupt?
We’re trying really, really hard to keep the faith and believe that bird flu will NOT hit our farm. We’re also trying really, really hard to stay positive about the outcome if it does.
We could move to town, and live in a 1 story house with the washer and dryer on the main floor. Bart could have a “town job” where he would work normal hours and wouldn’t carry stress home with him (like when we were first married and he worked for the USDA.) I could get a full-time job – our boys will both be in school next year, so they don’t need me home during the day. The boys could ride their bikes to the park with their friends and play pick-up games of basketball with the neighbors.
But we couldn’t live where we’d have to drive by our farm – emotionally, we wouldn’t be able to handle seeing it regularly. It would just be too hard.
We’ll fight to the end for our farm. We will keep raising new flocks as long as we can. And if we get bird flu, we’ll do our damnedest to get through it and raise turkeys again. Because, as hard as it is at times, we have faith that everything will work out, and that the risks we take will someday pay off, hopefully in the form of a farm (and legacy) to pass down to the next generation of Iowa’s turkey farmers.
(Family photo by Joe Murphy)
When Adam was just a baby, I remember watching him play in his carseat, trying his hardest to reach the dangling toy above his head. While I got ready for work, he kept at it for more than 10 minutes. Later that day, working with a middle school student who seemed to give up before he even tried, I thought back to Adam. He spent more time trying to solve his problem (catch the toy) than most of my students would have.
I think some children are born with more will-power and perseverance than others. Just like some are born with faster developing gross motor skills (not mine!) or a more laid-back disposition. But a fear of failure or poor attitude can cause a child to lose the will to succeed that they may have been born with.
How do we encourage perseverance? My experience with my students (and my own boys) helped me come up with a few simple steps to encourage children to keep on trying.
1. Model perseverance. I’m a firm believer in modeling the behavior you want your children to replicate. When they see you working hard to solve a problem or fix something, you show them that perseverance is important to you.
2. Talk about it! Tell your children about a time you had to work hard to learn a new skill or find the solution to a problem. If you are actively modeling perseverance, describe what you’re doing. “Ugh. I tried this and I tried that and the toilet still won’t flush right! I’m going to keep trying though – I want to fix this!”
3. Emphasize a growth mindset. There are two “mindsets” according to psychologist Carol Dweck. (Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, by Carol Dweck) A person with a fixed mindset believes that they are born with certain skills and that is their lot in life. A person with a growth mindset believes they can develop skills through practice and learning. Practice may not make perfect, but it DOES make you better. Look for examples of this in your child’s life and point it out. “Wow, Adam! At Christmas, you couldn’t read nearly as many words as you can now! I can tell you’ve been practicing a lot at school.”
4. Don’t push them too hard. I know, this seems backwards, right? If we want our kids to try hard, we have to encourage them to do so! That’s true, but we also have to take a second and think about whether or not the problem or activity is developmentally appropriate for them. Teachers refer to this as the “zone of proximal development.” There are things that children can do independently, and then there are things that are just outside that range – that’s the zone of proximal development. For example, I would not force my preschooler to write a whole sentence if he can not write his name legibly. A sentence is beyond his zone of proximal development. My kindergartener, on the other hand, can spell several words and knows a sentence begins with a capital and ends with a period. He could (and should) write a sentence, even if it takes awhile to do it!
5. Focus on small successes. Never punish a failure. How many times has fear of failure kept you from trying something new? My fear of looking ridiculous has kept me from participating in team sports since I was in elementary school. Maybe if I’d had a growth mindset related to sports, and someone had helped me focus on small improvements I was making (instead of calling me butterfingers every time I didn’t catch the ball) I would have tried harder and enjoyed myself more.
6. Don’t say, “This is easy.” Acknowledge when your child is doing something difficult, and then acknowledge their successes.
Always remember, your child isn’t perfect, but neither are you. And sometimes, there are situations that call for your child to “give up.” But those situations should be the exception, not the rule. Encourage a growth mindset and perseverance, and someday, your children (or their spouses or employers) will thank you.
My baby turned 4 last weekend. When he woke up on his birthday, he looked down at his body and said, “But I don’t wook bigger! Maybe in a few years…”
Three and four year olds are full of funny quotes, have you noticed? And they’re still young enough that they don’t mind when you laugh at them.
I think it’s only fair that I spread some of Isaac’s funnies around, so that you, too, can laugh at the boy whose name actually means “laughter.”
When I grow up, I want to be…..’Piderman!
Mom, you’re the best mom in the world. The best mom in the whole wide world. The best mom in the whole wide world….that lives with me.
Isaac: How will you snuggle me when I’m a grown up?
Me: When you’re a grown up, you’ll live in your own house.
Isaac: But I’ll miss you!
Brinley is my best friend.
But my real best friend is Adam.
Isaac: I'm going to call you Mommy Poopy.
Me: I don't like that name.
Isaac: How about Farty Poopy?
Me: Isaac, don't do that!
Isaac: Why?
Me: Because you might fall.
Isaac: But I might not fall!
(In a cute little sing-songy, eternally optimistic voice.)
Before a reporter came to the farm, I tried to prep Isaac...
"Isaac, she's going to ask if you help on the farm, and what are you going to say?"
"I'm gonna say, 'Who ARE you?'"
Adam: (In the bathtub) Isaac, quit spitting!
Isaac: But I have to spit out the pee water!
Adam: It's not pee water.
Isaac: Yes, it is! I peed in it!
Happy birthday, Isaac! May you continue to live up to your name and bring us lots of laughter forever!
Or, I should say, “farm life” got in the way.
Last year, Adam raised a bottle lamb for the fair, and we have been planning to do it again this year.
But the thing is, we didn’t know exactly when we’d get a lamb. So we were sort of prepared, but not really.
Sunday morning, our neighbor called and said that he had a set of triplets, and one wasn’t nursing. He had to bottle feed it every few hours around the clock, and he was getting tired of that, fast. And so, we picked it up Sunday afternoon, and now we’re bottle feeding it around the clock.
Bottle feeding an older lamb is easy – they grab right on and suck it down as fast as possible.
But new lambs are sort of like new babies. They don’t always have the hang of it right away. Our new lamb, Cuddles, seemed to be chewing on the nipple, more than sucking on it. And even after a few minutes, the level of milk in the bottle didn’t budge.
I couldn’t help but think back to the first few days of nursing my boys. Is he swallowing? Did he get enough? Does he have a good latch? What time should I feed him again?
All of the uncertainty came rushing back. I know it’s silly, comparing our lamb to a newborn baby, and I know that my feelings for this lamb are never, ever going to measure up to what I feel for my kids. But caring for that new lamb still brings out maternal feelings.
I’m hoping, in some way, that it makes my boys feel the same way. That maybe by taking care of a young, vulnerable animal, they’ll learn a little bit of the compassion and dedication it takes to be great parents some day. Maybe they’ll learn to put someone else’s needs first and the joy a parent feels as their child (or lamb) grows.
Cuddles is drinking her milk better now. Tonight she actually drained what we had mixed up for her. And we were so relieved. It’s nuts to think how anxious we are about a lamb.
But this is good training for my boys. Because some day, they won’t be little farm kids anymore. They’ll be grown up. Maybe they’ll be farmers. Probably they’ll be fathers.
And these experiences, worrying over the welfare of a lamb, will help prepare them for the situations in life where compassion, commitment, and problem solving really matter.
Farming is not always easy. 
I have a confession.
We don’t attend church nearly as often as we’d like to.
And it’s because of our farm.
You see, Bart has work to do every morning. And some mornings, it’s a lot of work. When our barns are full, he has 4 to 6 hours of chores every single morning.
We have a hired man who works Monday – Friday. But Bart believes, as the owner of the farm, that HE should be the one to give up his weekends to work. And so, while he may have help with those chores Mon-Fri, on Saturdays and Sundays, he’s on his own.
Which means that I’m on my own, with two little boys for Sunday School and church. And I’m sorry, friends, but I just can’t do it every week. I decided one morning, after screaming at my children to get them out the door on time for Sunday School, that it’s just not worth it. It wouldn’t matter what they learned in Sunday School that day after getting off to such a rough start.
And so, I’m working hard to give myself some grace. In a perfect world, we would attend church every week as a family, but I’m okay with the fact that we don’t do that often right now. My boys are young, and honestly, the church service must sound like a foreign language to them. My youngest is naturally very active and always has been. Asking him to sit still (and quiet!) for an hour is like asking him to cook Thanksgiving dinner. It’s just not possible. And, let’s face it, while I’m working hard to shush my boys and keep them quietly distracted, I’m not getting much of anything out of the church service, except frustration.
I’ve decided, quite frankly, that having a mother who models Jesus’s love and patience is more important than learning to sit still and quiet for an hour. If I could do both, I would. But I am an imperfect mom (aren’t we all?) and I just can’t do it every week.
The older members of our church are always telling me how much they love seeing kids in church, and that the boys’ noise doesn’t bother them. And I want to ask them if they’ll sit with my kids, so that I can worship God without distractions. Because some weeks, I need church. I need to hear the pastor’s words and sing the Doxology with my whole heart. And I can’t do that when I’m reminding a 3 year old to use his whisper voice.
Other parents have told me that their kids sit still in church from a young age because they were taught to. They made church a routine and the kids learned at an early age how to behave. Sorry, friends, but I don’t buy it. Kids are different. Your child may sit still because they are more naturally inclined to do so. But for my little Hurricane Isaac, it’s not appropriate to expect him to do so. In fact, ask any preschool teacher if they would make a three year old child sit still and quiet for an hour. They will answer, without a doubt, that it is not developmentally appropriate to expect that. Yes, practice helps. But no matter how many times I hand a newborn a pair of scissors, they will NOT learn how to cut a straight line. I know, from my experience as a teacher, that trying to teach a child something that is beyond their reach is frustrating for both parties.
And so, this is the phase of life we’re in. My husband is unable to attend church with our family most Sunday mornings, and I’m unable to remain patient and loving while trying to force my youngest child to do something that is completely inappropriate for his age and temperament.
This phase is not ideal, but it’s also not permanent. In a few more years, our oldest son will help Bart chore (right now, when he “helps,” chores end up taking more time, not less) and things will be different.
But for now, I know that God forgives me for all of my shortcomings, and I’m trying hard to do the same.
In the end, on Sunday mornings, that’s all that matters.
(Well, that and whether or not the turkeys are cared for.)
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One of the most important rules in our family is pretty basic: use nice words.
When my oldest son was a toddler, it seemed as if “Use nice words” came out of my mouth every other sentence.
Whenever he demanded, instead of asked, for something, I replied with, “Use nice words.”
When he yelled at me because I couldn’t find a toy that he hadn’t played with in months, I reminded him to “Use nice words.”
When he screamed at his brother for messing up his Lego creation, I calmly asked him to, “Use nice words.”
Use nice words is a good rule and good reminder. It applies to a multitude of sins, but also specifically and positively redirects the misbehavior.
And over the years, I’ve been able to cut down on the times I have to say, “Use nice words” throughout the day. (Right now, the phrase has been replaced with, “We don’t throw things” thanks to little Hurricane Isaac.)
But lately, I feel like screaming USE NICE WORDS to a different audience. Instead of reminding my two little boys, I feel like I need to remind the adults I interact with on facebook.
It doesn’t seem like I should have to teach adults of the same rule I’ve been working hard to drill into my kids, but I guess I do. My facebook feed has been full of drama the past few days, which is my fault for sharing my opinions, I guess. But I’m more than a little frustrated by the disrespectful comments that have appeared in response.
Tuesday, I posted an article from my friend, Sara, titled, “Guess What? GMOs are SAFE!” and as I expected, it stirred up some controversy. The controversy is FINE with me, but one commenter started insulting the intelligence of another commenter. And so, I reminded everyone to USE NICE WORDS.
Today, I shared an article (on my personal page) about vaccines. I must be a glutton for punishment. I generally try to avoid controversial topics on facebook. (But I’m also trying to avoid working on taxes, so maybe I subconsciously posted it to distract myself. Just goes to show how much I hate tax time.)
I didn’t share the article because I’m pro-vaccines (although I am.) I shared the article because the author made a point that sounded a lot like a grown-up version of USE NICE WORDS.
“Hating the Anti-vaxer isn’t going to solve the problem. Calling the Anti-vaxer an imbecile is also not going to solve the problem.” (Full article here.)
Like I said, a grown up, issue specific translation of use nice words.
Here’s the deal, you guys…this world is full of controversy. And I realize that sometimes people feel very strongly about these controversial issues.
But it doesn’t matter if you’re pro-GMO or anti-GMO – use nice words.
It doesn’t matter if you’re pro-vaccines or anti-vax – use nice words.
It doesn’t matter how you feel about gay marriage, gun rights, Obamacare, or Monsanto – use nice words.
(By the way, this WILL be the new rule for all comments on my blog and on my facebook page. If you don’t use nice words, you’ll get one reminder, and then you go to timeout. Got it?)
from the Goodwill. It does a great job holding games and puzzles. 
is a perfect for organizing kids’ art supplies!
stores more games, construction paper and coloring books.
from Amazon and hung the shelves this summer. I didn’t bother finding the studs, and one night, the shelves all came tumbling down. We had some heavy stuff stored on the top shelf and it fell first, knocking the next two shelves to the floor after it. All of the games and puzzles on the shelves spilled, mixing their pieces together. I decided sorting them wasn’t worth the time, and that led to a big toy purge.
, found the studs, and put the shelves back up. I’m fairly confident they’re not going anywhere this time.
is similar) and antique barn light shades to create these pendant lights in front of the windows.
 Crib Spring Bulletin Board |  Stuffed Animal Zoo |  Bookshelf Dresser |
 Wooden Puzzle Storage |  Pretty Diaper Boxes |
